Where We Are

I forgot to blog again last weekend. The weekend before that I was at a wedding. But here I am, back again. I did write an essay while I was gone for what it’s worth? Other writing distracted me, I guess.

Where else have I been? Spending money right and left it feels like. A little bit here, a little bit there. A few dinners out, picking up Starbucks for myself and a couple coworkers (I owed favors), a book, replacing my headphones. My laptop screen needs repairing and my domain name needs renewing, and here we are. Somewhere between where I am and where I want to be.

Where do I want to be? I want to be in that invigorated mindset, excited about eating rice and beans and staying in, committed to seeing the big win at the end of the month. But this time, I’d like it to be a win every month, not just a win every few months and then a back slide. That’s where the work is.

What is the work? The work is knowing that I have enough, right now, as it is. I have enough books to read. I have access to as much entertainment as I could possibly want. I have a good enough home, good enough cooking skills, to have people over instead of out. I have good enough friends that I can feed them rice and beans if that’s what I’m eating (or a salad which is probably more likely). The work is remembering that I like my life for what it is everyday, that I don’t have to do more or be more or spend more.

Consciously, I know this. And I still find myself spending more “to celebrate.” “To entertain.” But what could be more celebratory than a deep breath of gratitude for my life? What could be more entertaining than to watch my cat chase bugs on the patio beneath the setting sun?

That’s not always what I want, I think. Why do I want more? I wonder back. I don’t have to answer that, I think again. I’m not ready to answer that. I could spend my life answering that. Is it enough? What is enough?

 

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