Good(ish) News, Weak(ish) Attitude

My boss’ boss (Boss2) came to talk to me about a cool thing (a conference) that she wants me to attend, and a committee she wants me to serve on in preparation.

“Do you have time?” she asked.

“Clear it with my boss, and yeah, I have time,” I said.

I’m excited about this cool thing, though it is a long time down the road. I’m more excited because this gives me a reason to walk into Boss2’s office and ask for what I want—a full time position. It at least gives me a reason to walk into her office. And I have to make this case, speak my piece, to everyone I can. Boss2 is really the only one left.

I have to admit, I’m not hopeful. It feels like a last ditch effort, like I am trying to avoid what I know is true—there is no full time position for me, at least not in the way that I want at this place at this time. I worked a good day today, long and invigorating. I feel like I’m doing good work, and like my work is recognized (if not always compensated). So it kills me to feel cut off like this.

I have heard nothing from Dream Job as of yet. I’m trying to tell myself that it hasn’t been a week yet, but I feel discouraged. I’m trying to let myself feel discouraged without jumping to conclusions. But I’m a little tired and a little grumpy (because I got a dumb letter from my health insurance reminding me to pay my bill even though I called them on Monday to ask them if they were going to withdraw the money from my account and they said they would) and a phone call about Dream Job would feel really affirming. I have to learn to affirm myself.

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