Day 102… still going

I’m trying to be grateful, and pull myself out of the funk I seem to have fallen into. This is what I’ve got:

I’m grateful for roller derby, so grateful for roller derby. Best sport. Best team. Best everything. I was hit so hard today that I know my hip is bruised, but I didn’t fall down (at least not right at that moment). I’m grateful for my job. Still good. Grateful for the apartment. Grateful that tomorrow is Friday and I think I can get away without driving to work. Also grateful for my car and the gas inside it.

I am not going to be in the black this month. I still have fifteen days to go and I know that this is true. I’m trying to pretend that I don’t know this so I don’t throw up my hands and say “fuck it” to the rest of the month, which is pretty tempting when failure is so inevitable. I still have to write down my spending, still have to make sure the books balance, even though I know at the end of the month the spending dot is going to be higher than the earnings dot. Just the facts. This is life right now.

I’m trying not to focus on my disappointment—I thought this would be the month, the year, when I would turn things around, but I guess I’ve still got some work to do to break this two months on two months off cycle. I’m trying to just accept it and move on. There is always next month, right?

I’m grateful for this Kacey Musgraves tune, which I’ve been listening to on repeat for days. It helps with the “aw fuck it,” attitude and it reminds me that I’m still following my arrow, even if I’m not quite sure where it went.

2 comments

  1. I think I need to understand more what happens when you don’t end up in the black. Do you rack up credit card debt? Do you borrow from boyfriend? Or do you take out of savings? If it’s take out savings, then I don’t really think you are in the red. You are reallocating your resources. Your standard of living still depends on some discretionary income and you probably had bigger expenses this month. Now might be the time to analyze how the money was spent and see if you would have/could have done it differently. Not to beat yourself over the head but for next time could it have been different? And to remember that your college debt is paid off, you had a trip to NZ this summer, and you switched your jobs into one you love. I love that song…but wonder where you ever got a taste for country music.

    1. I rack up no debt, but I don’t make progress either. It comes from the checking account, but decreases my overall savings and puts me further away from my emergency fund. I wouldn’t change anything about this month (except perhaps last month’s accounting), but I don’t want this to be a long term pattern.

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