I have lunch plans with a coworker tomorrow at a Thai place with a $5.99 lunch special. On Sunday I have coffee plans with a friend who is in town for the weekend, couple of bucks. But I wonder, am I losing my touch?

It seems like such a risk, this early in the month, to be eating out, to be getting coffee. There’s no “need” to do this, only the desire for good Thai food and to catch up with some friends, and there’s nothing particularly wrong with that. But I do wonder if I’m setting myself up for another disappointing month by relaxing my standards (no eating out! none of the time!), not that I usually live up to them anyway.

I notice myself thinking things like, “well I won’t have X expense this month,” implying that therefore I can afford to buy Y, but that’s not the case. I went over my income last month, and even if I think I won’t this month, nothing is certain until December 1st. You’d think after last month’s last minute insurance payment that I’d learn that lesson.

And anyway, even assuming that I’m right and I have fewer expenses this month and I can afford to spend a little more (which is a pretty shoddy assumption), I don’t want to just transfer spending. I want to save. That means that I can’t let money burn a hole in my pocket, and I can’t just spend money on food and coffee because I’ve been working a lot lately and I feel like it. I also wonder why I want to get lunch this week when I made such a stink about skipping it last week. It feels like I’m giving up. Maybe I’m just planning ahead.

Partly, today has just felt a little spendy. I went grocery shopping this morning, finally purchasing the beer that I owed Boyfriend (I picked a bad kind though) along with other staples that I usually let him buy because we both eat them while I buy the food he doesn’t like to eat (so I don’t have to share). And I transferred my share of the rent to the joint account. So there’s that. And I can’t forget, won’t forget, that the insurance is coming to bite me just when I think I’m safe. And if it’s not the insurance, it will be something else.

I don’t have any lessons here, or any pearls of wisdom. I’m still going out to lunch, and I’ll grab coffee on Sunday. But it’ll be the $5.99 special, and it will be black coffee, no fancy whips or -ccinos for me. I have my worries, and hopefully they will see me through.

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